Amber girl.......

My beautiful Amber in the mist -

Her birthday picture.....my girl is 2 today!!!

Tuesdays sunset..........

Eery evening......

A low mist has settled across our whole acreage......the rains from this afternoon evaporating....it's beautiful and yet quite eery.........

Grievances.....

After watching Miami Ink last night we still couldn't be bothered to turn the channel lol, so we sat through 'One Week To Save This Marriage'............we weren't listening to it all.......but got the jist of the storyline.......a married couple are close to divorce and the therapist jumps in to save the marriage by giving the couple 'tasks'.........kind of like the debt shows they keep doing now.........

I couldn't believe how giggly and embarrassed the wife got in the 'adult' store..........

And then the therapist had the couple write out 6 grievances they have about their partner. So Lloyd and I sat there and did the same task.......but we couldn't think of any........of course there are things about Lloyd that drive me nuts - especially when I have pms lol! Like his socks that he throws in the corner instead of opening the door and putting them in the dirty laundry basket.....and the fact that he NEVER orders dessert ina restaurant......which means I rarely do because I hate being the only one to eat dessert.......but these are hardly serious matters (except when I have pms!!!! Then they are worth killing over!!!)

It made me sad that this couple found it sooooo easy to think of grievances they have about each other.......

They stayed together but I do wonder how long it will last.....they didn't even seem to like each other..........

Thinking of my friend

Just want to post that I am thinking of L tonight who thinks she may well finally be in labour!!!! This is her second baby....L you are in my thoughts...I hope everything goes well and I am excited to hear the news!

More than just beauty.......

bee: buzz buzz buzz

butterfly: will you stop buzzing around!!! I have a headache!

bee: I'm sorry - how come you have a headache? All you have to do is flit about looking pretty all day. Some of us actually have jobs you know!!!

butterfly? Jobs - what job do you do??

bee: I'm a worker bee. I collect pollen - I fly from flower to flower collecting pollen to take back to my Queen. I am also responsible for pollenating all the flowers here. Flowers......I might add..... that wouldn't be beautiful and plentiful for YOU if it weren't for me and my colleagues!!! buzz buzz BUZZ!

butterfly: huh! you think thats hard work? All you have to do is fly about collecting dust all day and you expect me to feel sorry for YOU???? Have you any idea what I have just been through??? Have you?? huh??? I will have you know that just a few days ago I was a happy wriggly caterpillar, wriggling about on the big old cabbage leaves across the yard, eating whenever I liked, sleeping and just happily WRIGGLING!!! but then I got so sleepy and tired from all that wriggling so I made myself the cosiest snuggliest cocoon bed. I took a nice little nap and dreamt of waking up with energy to wrigggle further up that cabbage leaf. BUt I didn't wake up like that at all and now I have such a headache!

bee: so what happened??? buzz buzz I love a good mystery buzz.

butterfly *sob sob* It was dark when I woke up and my cosy cocoon was all hard and crispy and not soft at all. And I felt...

bee: what what?????

butterfly: I felt different!

bee: *rolls eyes* is this story going anywhere??????? I've got nectar to pro....

butterfly interupts: I was DIFFERENT!!! Honest!! I went to sleep all wriggly and when I woke up it wasn't the same. I was stuck in this crispy bed ........THING!!! I stretched and I streched and finally it started to break open and I used all my strength - all the strength I could muster to heave myself out of that horrid hard crusty thing. And when I was out I was exhausted and I had this terrible pounding in my head. And then I streched out and realised all my wriggly bits were gne and I had these huge.........THINGS on my back. So I stretched them out to get a better look....and and and .......you know what????

bee: what???

butterfly: the wind lifetd me up and I was flying!!! Do you know how scary that is when you've never done that before???

bee: I remember!!

butterfly: well bees are supposed to fly but caterpillars??? Caterpillars wriggle. they don't fly. And now I'm here and I can fly and I want to wriggle up the cabbage leaf but I can't any more and I just don't know what to do and and and

bee: will ya calm down!!!

butterfly: I'm a butterfly - what am I supposed to do??? I don't know what butterflies do and it's hurting my head to think all of this n one day ..... I just can't deal with all this stress. What should I do?

bee: I'll tell ya what! Why not do what I do???

butterfly: collect pollen for the queen??

bee: Uh no - I don't think they'd let you in the hive with those big 'things' on your back. They're a bit bigger than ours. But why not carry pollen from flower to flower. Seems like that could be the job for you!

butterfly: really? You think I could??

bee: sure and you have the benefit of being pretty with those big things on your back!

butterfly: really? you think I'm pretty? oh geeeeeeeeeeee

bee: so the big ones won't try to squash you. You know you have to watch out for the big ones!

butterfly: the big ones?

bee: yeah - you know - they're huge. They have two legs they stand and then two leg things that wave about and pick things up. They live in the houses. They hate bees. They steal the queens honey and they try to kill us all. But they won't kill you - they'll like you. Try it.

butterfly: Ok bee thanks I will. I'll carry pollen! I'll make the flowers pretty and make them grow and I'll watch out for the big ones and .......oh gosh it's tiring just thinking about it all!! I think I'll sit here just a little longer and have a rest first.

bee: *rolls eyes again* ok butterfly - you rest there. Some of us have work to do. buzz buzz buzz

By Jane
2005

The Bubble.........

I am a bubble blown through the hand of a loving daddy - to entertain his little girl. The little girl is enjoying bathtime - a special time each day with Daddy - she has his whole attention. But every bubble he blows gets bigger and bigger until it pops - there is never enough time for her to hold it in her chubby little hands and her face turns sad with each bubble popped. When the next bubble pops it will be time to pull out the plug and watch the water race away and this precious bathtime with daddy will be over for another day.

And so Daddy rubs the soap through his fingers and places his hands to his mouth and he blows and he blows so gently until the bubble grows and grows and lets go of his hands and glides gently through the air.

The little toddler and her Daddy watch the bubble as it spins with its rainbow prism slowly through the air above the bath. They watch waiting for the fateful moment. Waiting for the silent pop and the spray of soap as it explodes. They wait and they wait knowing their special time together is almost at an end.

But the bubble hovers and spins and glistens in the light and it never pops - it stays forever and continues to hold their gaze and this special time with Daddy lasts forever....................atleast in a toddlers dreams..............

By Jane
2005

Time to say goodbye.......

Fiction (by me) on the subject of loss from my writers group last year:


I sit here, numb, staring at the wall. I feel the tear as it strolls down my cheek, but that aside I feel nothing. Nothing. Beside me on the bed are the newspapers, their headlines screaming at me. Telling me the truths I don't want to hear. I don't want to believe. I don't want to face this. I push them aside with an angry energy and they fly to the floor. Scattered.

A voice calls for me from downstairs. My Mother. My nervous upset mother. Not knowing how to respond to me. Not knowing what to say or how to help. She pops her head around the corner of the door and I see her gulp and take a deep breath before speaking. She tells me the cars are here and it's time to go. I nod silently. She leaves me to my grief and goes back downstairs quietly. Everyone is so quiet. Everyone is whispering as if sound might cause the world to stop. Don't they realise the world has already stopped. For me atleast.

I force myself to get up off of the bed and I walk toward the bathroom door. I tap lightly and call my husbands name. I hear sniffles and sobs and it takes a while for him to reply. I swallow and then tell him that it's time to go. The taps go on and I imagine him splashing water on his face - as if that will stop the tears from falling. As if that will help him cope. As if that will make him look fine again and people won't know that he hasn't been able to stop the tears for 5 days.

5 days. It's already been 5 days.

The bathroom door opens and my husband walks into the bedroom. He looks at me uncomfortably as if he doesn't know whether to hug me or not. Please don't hug me. Don't touch me. I can't be touched right now. Leave me be.

We walk stiffly out of the bedroom. As if strangers. We walk down the stairs, both of us purposely not looking at the closed bedroom door at the end of the hallway. Avoiding what we know we must face. Later. Not today. This is enough today.

Several people are downstairs and they look at us briefly as we walk down. A few pecks on cheeks, a few squeezes of my hand or arm. I walk into the front room and look out of the window. And there it is. There is the car. The long black car that houses my Son. My Son. In a box. In a hearse. My sweet, wonderful, loving Son. How can this be? How can this be real? It feels as if I am watching a movie. As if I am watching this happen to someone else. These things always happen to someone else.

I feel someone come into the room and I know it's my husband. He stand behind me. He looks at the car and I'm sure thinks the things I think. I feel his arms move around me and his head pressed against mine. And I am ready. I am ready for his arms. I am ready to share my grief with him. It is time.

My Son. The wonderful little toddler that ran into my arms and sang his heart out in kindergarten and played football as if life depended on it in Junior High. The light of my life was distinguished five days ago. He was crossing the road to come home to me. After a day at his friends house he was on his way home. A man in his forties, robbed me of my Son. He had had several drinks after work to ease the stress of his working day. He got behind the wheel of his car and he ploughed into my Son. My heartt is gone - never to be replaced.

I take my husbands hand and we walk together out to the car. I blow a kiss to my Son and we leave to say goodbye...............forever.

Full Circle........part one.

(Fiction (by me) from my writing group last year)


The charcoal sky hangs like a cloak over the unlit highway. My eyes dart from the road ahead, to the trees at the roadside that pass in a blur, then back to the road ahead. My foot presses down on the gas pedal. I'm aware I'm going much too fast, but I can't slow down. My hands grip the steering wheel with such pressure that my knuckles discolour. I feel a sense of panic rising from my stomach.

I have to find them. I have to.

I press harder on the gas and hunch over the steering column. I strain to see anything through the oncoming headlights that blind me with their glare. Faster, faster I drive.

Where are they? Why can't I find them?

I can feel the car swerving from the speed and I try desperately to stay on the road. My arms hurt from the effort, from the tension.

I can't see them. I need to go faster.

I slam my foot against the pedal and accelerate hard. I have to get to them. The other cars on the road are mere streaks of light now. I'm shaking. I can't breathe. I feel the sweat on my neck as I turn to the side trying to focus on the grassy verge as I rush past. I look back to the front just in time to see the lights. A truck. Too close. Too bright. Too late.

I scream as I feel the impact. Hear the crush of metal on metal. The shattering of glass.

* * * *

The force of the crash wakes me from my nightmare and I find myself sweat-soaked, sat upright in bed. I wipe the sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand before reaching for the glass of water beside me on the table. Still shaken from the nightmare I see the water tremble in the glass, the glow from the streetlight outside enough to see by. I drink the water back in one, needing to quench more than my thirst. I steady the glass back on the bedside table and run both hands through my hair to relieve the tension. I look at the clock. Three thirty in the morning. Again. This early-morning rude awakening is something I have grown used to. A nightly occurrence. When will it end?

The house is silent. I get out of bed and walk barefooted across the wooden floorboards to the window, where I stand for a while looking out at the faint glimmer of pink on the horizon that
marks the start of another day. I rest my face against the coolness of the glass and look along the street for any signs of life. There is nothing but stillness. Everyone else has more sense than to be awake at this ungodly hour.

Giving up on the idea of going back to sleep, I walk into the bathroom. It takes a moment for my eyes to get used to the bright light. I pee and then stand at the sink to wash my hands. I stare at my reflection in the mirror before me. I can’t believe how tired I look. And how old. Much older than my 33 years. Pale, dry skin and dark circles beneath my eyes betraying the secret of my recent past.

I loosely tie back my long mousy brown hair and splash water across my face. Grabbing the towel I pull it down across my face absentmindedly as I watch myself in the mirror. I’m wearing a white vest and a pair of pink-striped pajama pants that are now so loose the drawstring hangs long at the front. I’m the slimmest I have been in years. Too thin for my 5’8 frame. Drawn. I laugh at the irony, having struggled to lose a few extra pounds the year before.

I sigh and hanging the towel back on the rail, turn and head downstairs.

I sit at the kitchen island with a steaming mug of coffee, and then I call the only person I know who will be awake at this unearthly hour. My Mum.

It’s almost eleven in England. The phone rings several times at Mums end before she answers. I say hello and ask how she is.
“Anna Darling!” She sounds pleased to hear from me. “I’m fine. I was in the garden. Your Fathers mowing the lawn and you know how I have to supervise him – otherwise he’s likely to cut off all my Clematis with the bloody mower.”
We both laugh and then it’s her turn to ask me how I am. I take a sip of my coffee before answering. “Fine, fine”.
“You sound tired darling.”
“It’s four in the morning Mum, of course I’m tired.”
“You’re still having those nightmares.” It’s more of a statement than a question and I don’t answer. I close my eyes and hold my breath. I know what’s coming next.
“Why don’t you come home?”
“Mother.” I warn her off.
“Just for a while, for a change of scene…..it might help.”
“Mum, this is home. If I’m going to sort my life out then I need to be here.”
“But it doesn’t seem to be helping darling…. And you’re all alone there….and you’re so far away.” Her voice full of concern. “We could help you. We want to help you.”
“I know you do Mum, but I need to do this on my own. No one can do this for me. It’s going to take time. And I need to be here.”
“And anyway,” I continue a little too quickly, in a tone that I hope sounds brighter. “I’m not alone. I have my friends here.”
“You know what I mean.” She replies.
My eyes travel to the photographs on the old wooden bookcase in the family room. “I know what you mean.” I say sadly.
After a moments silence, my Mum adds “Just think about it darling, okay?”
“I will Mom. Thank you.”
The subject changes to small talk and after a few minutes of chat, my Mom is called away from the telephone again by my Dad. We say our good-byes after I promise to eat properly. After I hang up and empty the last little drop from my coffee mug, I head back upstairs, warmed at least by the thought that there are people who care about me.

tattoos

Last night I sat and watched Miami Ink........I've never really sat through that show before but it was on after Little People Big World and I couldn't find anything worth switching over to.........

I've never liked tattoos......but now I'm wondering if they are somehting you grow into with age......I think my sisters have tattoos now and I seem to have more and more friends with them........

So after watching that show I'm thinking maybe I'd quite like one........maybe I should get that done when I have my tongue pierced...I have ALWAYS wanted my tongue pierced...but never got around to it..........

I liked the mourning fairy that the lady had done on the show anyway.........

Green retriever

Rosie just LOVES swimming in the pond but she comes out GREEN....covered in the little plant stuff that grows over the top of the pond............and then she comes over and shakes herself off by whoever is closest....normally me!!!

Does she still count as a golden retriever?

Mondays sunset

Last nights sunset

This afternoons storm.........

Indecisive cat.......

Poor Cairo.... he just couldn't decide which was scarier...being outside in the thunderstorm or being inside with Sam! I'd open the door to let him out but he wouldn't go out....then he seemed like he wanted to go out again but still wouldn't....he just stayed by the door the whole time ;)

Stump

I like this tree stump that overlooks Astotin Lake.....if you look closely you can see the light catching on cobwebs at the top........

Tuesday.............

What a day!!! Is it really only 4:30???????

We went to the homeschool group this morning which flew past. Pam came by even though before I left I had an email from her to say she wasn't coming!!! Pam it was really nice to see you there!!! Susie was thrilled! I sprent much of the morning talking to Sh. who also has 5 kids and is moving to an acreage next week!!! R wasn't there today but her DH was......very brave man facing all us crazy HS-ing Moms!!!! ;) R is sick :( so R if you read this then GET WELL SOON!!!!!!

After the group we ran to sobeys and grabbed a few things for lunch and then headed home and decided to have an impromptu picnic! We took a blanket out ontp the front field and picnicked there. It started to rain after a while though so we headed indoors. Not before Sam had stood ina jam tart and squished it all into his shoes!

Just after lunch I started to feel sick. I put Sam to bed and planned to go outside on the porch with my quillow and sleep there.........I could see dark clouds rolling in and Lloyd called to say there was a storm downtown. The wind picked up and wow was it cold...we needed jackets out there. When the thunder started Sam woke up and I realise he doesn't like storms....which is odd because all the others LOVE them. So much for having a nap....between Sam and the storm there was no chance! I decided to grab my camera instead!

So I still feel sick and now Laurie has stomach ache etc too........

All in all C and I are delaying our trip to A Taste of Edmonton to tomorrow night......

The storm has now gone and its much cooler thankfully. I think I can even use the oven tonight!