Today was another busy one. This morning I had a lot of phone calls to make - various calls regarding school issues, busing issues, medical issues and financial issues to deal with. Unfortunately I also had to deal with my idiot of an Ex and his insane mood swings. For someone who has criticized my mood swings for the last 18 months, I can't BELIEVE how rapidly and how drastically HIS moods change and they are stressful to deal with because unfortunately he likes to try and control my life and that means he also likes to try and control my childrens lives too. He is also in control of us financially - and our future and is leaving us in a pretty bad way :( There are ways out of our situation but I can't take them without his help and signature and yet he won't take them and to me it makes absolutely NO sense....he has thrown away soooooo much money in the last 18 months so two years and for a business man it is just sickening. What FATHER does that???? SERIOUSLY????? What kind of Father throws away all of his money and leaves his kids in this kind of situation just to get back at his wife???? What kind of MAN does that?????
I have lost any kind of respect for him that I ever had....it's so sad....I used to look up at him more than anyone else on this planet. Now.....now? Now I'm not sure I think of anyone less. He would hurt my children that way and think so little of them. That he would rather waste money on lawyers fees than on putting his children first. He would rather send money to some guy he barely knows in the US than put his kids into sports. He would put some guy he barely likes from work before his kids happiness.
Kathy posted something fabulous on her FB today: If you want changes in your life....the first and best place to look is in the mirror. Just over 8 months ago I began to really look in that mirror and started to work on myself... so I could be a better me, not just for myself, but those in my life. If you want change....it all starts with YOU!
I couldn't agree more! And this is exactly what I have done over the last year. Through therapy, classes, self help, journaling, and BLOODY HARD WORK!!!! And I am happy with the changes I have made and the person I have become. I am happy with the Mom I am now. The friend I am now. That I am calmer, happier, more independent, more relaxed, more assertive. I laugh more, play more, work more, plan more, create more, think more, try more, believe more. I am more confident.
Taking the time to work on me after my separation was the best thing I could have done for my children. They deserved it. They deserved to have the best me they could have. They NEEDED me to be healthy in body and mind. They needed me to learn ways to cope better, to be stronger, happier, healthier. And while I am still finding this divorce crappola very stressful, at least I am finding ways to handle it without yelling and screaming or crying or being depressed. These days I create art or journal and have other ways to release tension. I also don't have anyone to 'pretend' for....to be a certain way for....I can be myself.....and that is wonderful. It is extremely freeing to be able to totally be yourself in your own home. For the first time in ten years to be able to totally be yourself.
Haircut tomorrow - thank goodness ;)
Which means therapy with Amber - the one person who who knocks sense in to me :) Tells me exactly what she thinks and gives me shit when I act pathetic!! What would I do without her???
and meeting JoAnne afterwards :) Yay - we haven't seen each other since the day she moved house!! Far, far too long my girly :) xxx
