4 hours ago
May 22, 2012
Before the funfair we had strolled along Whyte Ave for a while. We popped into Chapters and each chose a magazine, went to Fuss Cupcakes for a cupcake each (amazing!!!!) and of course went to Coney Island Candy Store - because NO trip to Whyte is EVER quite complete without going to Coney Island. We asked Zoltar for our fortunes and we looked around. The children had some pocket money to spend - which they did....oh and we also went into Army and Navy to get some summer pants for Abigail as she is sooooo fussy about pants and all hers are too hot to wear now.
While she was trying hers on, Sam had a long conversation with a lady who worked there, about homeschooling - and she was telling him how she wished she had homeschooled her own boys because schools are useless and don't teach anything worthwhile and that homeschooled children know much more about the world! It was wonderful to hear :)
Some jokes in Coney Island Candy Store:
Worlds largest Gummibear in Coney Island Candy Store:
My cake and Sams cake in Fuss Cupcakes (Abby licked the frosting off hers too fast for me to get a picture hahaha)
I had wanted to take the children to the funfair in Millwoods on Wednesday after the farmers market, but it had been raining and too cold and windy. Then saturday it was far too cold AGAIN!!!
Sunday the weather was PERFECT!! Such a shame that Susannah and Laurence were not with us, but in some ways it worked out well, and Sam and Abby had a fabulous treat with me to themselves!!
They LOVED the fair rides and were so adventurous and brave!! They went on all the grown up rides that I consider SCARY hahaha! Sam went on the one that we used to call 'the cage' when I was young - and he loved it so much he went on again - with Abby the second time :)
They tried Sno-kones but didn't like them very much!
It was such a lovely afternoon full of smiles and laughter! It seemed like the whole funfair was filled with happy people :) It was worth every penny we spent :)
A few times lately I have had this intense feeling of peace - of freedom - of serenity, that is hard to explain. It happened last Sunday while Susannah and I were at the Devonian Botanical Gardens, and it came over me again yesterday, as I was leaning against the barricade around the swings at the fairground, watching Sam and Abigail fly around again and again, grinning in the sunshine, reaching their hands out for me or for each other, their shoes on the floor and their toes in the breeze!
I felt completely at peace. It was wonderful to stand there and enjoy the moment. Enjoy my childrens happiness. Their smiles, their thrill of the rides. Not have to rush, not have to be anywhere or please anyone else. Not feel worried about keeping anyone else happy except my children. Letting them enjoy themselves as long as they want.
The rides lasted for AGES and instead of feeling impatient and worried in case it upset anyone, I felt happy and grateful that they got to enjoy the rides as long as possible :)
I loved standing and watching my children on the rides - I LOVED seeing their happy faces and seeing how excited they were. It was a wonderful afternoon! I had been excited for days about taking them!
It was the same at the gardens last week - Susannah and I spent hours there - and took our time taking photographs of each other - of butterflies, of flowers and trees...we didn't feel rushed, we didn't get bored and we chatted and laughed and went where we wanted and stopped off at churches and graveyards on the way home too!
For ten years I lived with a clockwatcher. And I spent all that time on days out worrying about whether he was happy and whether we should leave soon in case he was bored...and whether the children were behaving well enough for him...if the day was going 'right' for him....he was such a perfectionist that it grated on me and the stress built up and up and up and then it would just EXPLODE and I would either end up with a migraine from it OR I would end up just 'losing it' because it was all too much :(
Trying to find a balance between keeping children happy and keeping a man who didn't want to do anything, happy - was not easy - and also trying to find the balance between keeping a home with 5 children happy and keeping a home with 5 children immaculate for a guy who expected perfection - was VERY stressful.
It has been two years now since we separated and it still hits me sometimes how FREE it feels to be away from that pressure. It is amazing how I didn't even realize I was under that pressure at the time. It is amazing how he made me feel I was soooooo LUCKY to have him - he bought me gifts constantly and did everything for me and left me so incapable of sooo MUCH that I felt so GRATEFUL to him! Like a child! Like I owed him! He constantly told me how lucky I was to have him. So did everyone else. Now of course I am so much more independent and so much HAPPIER and now I see so much more clearly what was really happening.
And the funny thing is - he is repeating the same situation with his new partner. She is so happy to have him do it all for her right now too - and she is the same age I was when I met him. And all I can think is 'poor girl'. She really doesn't know what is happening!!!
And it makes me feel even more at peace - because I know how much work I have put into myself in the last two years - how much therapy and journaling and SR1 and SR2 and just so much GROWTH and CHANGE!!! and he has done NONE and he is repeating all the same mistakes.
And so I stood there yesterday, watching my children smile and swing round and round, and I just felt so very very FREE and I knew we could stay as long as we wanted....or we could go home...or we could go elsewhere...or we could go home and camp out.....or eat junk food....or sleep in our clothes....or dance in the rain....or eat cake in bed....or.....or...or...
Life is good :)